FALSE Love

Alot of people fall "in love" with people they don't even know, they just meet on the internet or talk over the phone but the don't really know each other, and that is not Love, it might be a crush or as some people call it "puppy love". You just think you love them only because you imagine them the way you want, you're making them the perfect way... your way.
You have the inexplainable emotions that you're dying to let out but it's too difficult.
I don't think those feelings will ever fade unless you see this person for who they really are.
If you don't see them then those feelings won't go away no matter how hard you try to let them out and move on... they won't go away.
I spend most of my time thinking about her and that really screwed me up. I write all these e-mails that I wish to send her, but I don't, because of the fear of rejection. I've been rejected many times in my life but I can't handle this one.
I want to get her out of my head but she's all I think about.
Maybe if I see her I'll know that I'm not "in Love" and the feelings would go away and I could finally move on (that's if things don't work out).
But for now I try not to think about her that much (haven'y had much luck), I cut myself hoping that the pain of not seeing your face or hearing your voice of feeling your skin would pour out of my arm, I need her to hold me.
THINK TWICW BEFORE YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM

The one and only day has come
you'll pay for all the bad things you've done
Reckoning day is finally here
it's the day that you always feared
you look sad burning in flames
you had fun in your life but in the end
there are no more games
NO MORE GAMES

This is the ending of what you've begun
you don't remember what you've done wrong
no one knew about the people you killed
they didn't see the blood on your hands
no one knew about the graves you filled
they didn't see when you got mad

You did the trick
no one saw it coming
thought you were quick
HE will not be forgiving
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and they sent ME an email telling me that my blog cought thier attension

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I changed my email

Hey, it's been a long time since i last posted cuz my computer was getting fixed
Alot happened since my last post:
1. I got 88%
2.My grandmother passed away
3.I know now who my real friends are
4.Skipped a few days of school
and so on...

Anyway, I really don't have time for writing a new post cuz i have to be at al3aza
bye

I think I'm depressed

I mean I have most of the symptoms:

• Sadness and hopelessness. yes
• Irritability, anger or hostility. too much anger
• Tearfulness of frequent crying. not alot
• Withdrawal from friends and family. yes
• Loss of interest in activities. I do nothing but sleep, eat, watch TV and a little blogging
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits. I sleep for approximately 16 hours a day
• Restlessness and agitation. yes
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt. yes
• Lack of enthusiasm and motivation. yes
• Fatigue or lack of energy. YES!!
• Difficulty concentrating. yes
• Thoughts of death or suicide. not ALL the time

I got this from a site, and while I was reading I found this...

Suicide warning signs in teenagers:

• Talking or joking about committing suicide.
• Saying things like, “I’d be better off dead,” “I wish I could disappear forever,” or “There’s no way out.”
• Speaking positively about death or romanticizing dying (“If I died, people might love me more”).
• Writing stories and poems about death, dying, or suicide.
• Engaging in reckless behavior or having a lot of accidents resulting in injury.
• Giving away prized possessions.
• Saying goodbye to friends and family as if for good.
• Seeking out weapons, pills, or other ways to kill themselves.

: I know, I so ALL of them but I didn't think it was that serious

Angry Again

Yup, he finally cracked... he threatend to beat me with a hanger, and throw me out on the street
Here you go "dad"... great job raising a freak
-----------
I hate everything about you
Why am I living with you?
I thought I was dirt
Wanted to be something
I know now that I'm forever dirt
I am a nobody
When I'm dead, you'll know just who I am
I have to get out
But it's a long hard road out of hell
Oh god...
GOD I'm so scared I'm all alone now
Everything about me is wrong
I must be sick I don't belong
Just labeled mentally deranged
LEAVE ME BE
This is who I am
So just leave me alone
No more can you keep me in
Listen f***er, I will win

Life's a bitch, life's a whore
Nothing less and nothing more
I can't escape this hell
I know I can never win
In your blood-filled heart I'm drowning
The love we share seems to go no where
From the way you're acting it seems that you don't care
It's too dark in here and I've lost my light
I need someone to hold me tight
Why don't you LOOK at me?
Why don't you be sad for me?
Why don't you help me?
Why don't you pitty me?
You can see me suffocate
I can find no way
Try to break these heavy walls
Try not to pull me apart
You're aiming straight for the heart
Living it hard enough without you fucking with me
Look at the pain around me
This is what I cry for
Look at the pain around me
This is what I'll die for
My only comfort is death

:")

I'm not like them, but I can pretend
The day is done and I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb, or maybe just happy
I'm so lonely but that's ok I'll shoot myself
And I'm not sad
I'm so happy cuz today I found my friends
They're in my head
I should have stayed away from friends
I should have had more time to spend
I should have died when I was born
I'm so screwd up
And I know that's bad
But I'm not sad

I finally came to my senses and I'm writing again

You always laughed at my tragedies
now that it's happening to you
You're searching for a helping hand
I don't think anyone is gonna lend you that
Like my friends did for me
You see, fame and money don't buy happiness
It's nice for once to watch someone like youlose control
Just to watch you cling to life by the tips of your teeth
Sellling out your friends and stabbing them in the back does not pay off well in the end
But that's something that you are, something that I'm not
So I'm gonna lend you my helping hand for one last time
And I know you're gonna forget about it and forget me too
Like you always do
I'll hold on to that moment cuz I bled my heart out for you, and I won't let it go
Can't you understand? Who helped me up when I fell? Who raised their helping hands for me?
My friends
When you stumble and fall again, you won't find anyone to help you up
And the memories will come back to you
Finally, you'll come crawling back to me saying "I am nothing without you".

Everything is falling apart, nothing is right

So I quit... I QUIT everything, my blog, messenger, facebook... everything

I QUIT!!

Are you REALLY a man??

People get confused between a male and a man.
In my opinion, a male is a person with a penis but a man is someone truthful, reliable, good, kind... and other nice things.
Now every male calls himself a man.
If you fight all the time and get yourself into trouble, YOU'RE NOT A MAN
LOL If you're hairy doesn't mean that you're a man
And if you're well built, that also doesn't mean that you're a man
If you hit you're wife, YOU'RE NOT A MAN
If you run away from your problems and fear, YOU'RE NOT A MAN
If you think of yourself a a king and everyone around you are below you, YOU'RE NOT A MAN
If you cheat and lie your way in everything, YOU'RE NOT A MAN
If you hang out with the "popular guys" just cuz they're popular, FUCK YOU

Oh, yesterday was a great day in Al-Anjal school history...
There was a great fight during recess w kan fee 12 huge guys on 2 weaklings!! and 6 teachers trying to stop them but they couldn't, hehehe
One of them hot a black eye, one broke his arm. The 2 weaklings got a bloody mouth, nose, the whol face actually, and ripped thobes.
It was unfair ofcourse but I enjoyed watching them :D

ALL of them got maf9ooleen... w we are in the middle of exams now :S
Speaking of which, I got a 9 out of 10 in chemistry and 5abba9t in fi8h

In my hour of need, you're always there
Now it's time for me to be there for you too
I want to stay with you, mom
Stand beside yo in everything
I want to hold you and never let go
Fight away all of your fears
I'll be there for you, when you walk through the fire
I'll be there for you, when the flames get higher

I love you

Dad... I will stab you in your sleep
Make a wound so very deep
You can't see me but I can see you
I know you love but I really hate you
Cuz of all the shit you put her through
I don't want you to die, I just want you to suffer
Like we did
I want to watch you rot in the deepest darkest pit of hell
Being a fraud can only last so long, you should know

I think I need some time alone to think about stuff
Be back soon inshalla w God help us all...

I'M F***ING GOING CRAZY!!
OUR F***ING PHYSICS TEACHER F***ING TOLD US TO MAKE A F***ING BA7TH ON ANYTHING IN PHYSICS!!
AND I CAN'T FIND SHIT!!
IT'S BEEN MORE THAN 3 HOURS AND I'VE FINALLY STOPPED!! F*** HIM AND F*** THE 2 F***ING GRADES THAT I'LL GET IF I F***ING DO IT!!
F*** PHYSICS, F*** THE INTERNET, F*** GOOGLE, F*** THE PERSON WHO INVENTED GOOGLE, AND F*** NEUTIN (OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS)
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH SON OF A B@@@@ MOTHERF@@@ER A$$@@@@ AAAAAAH
FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
*breathes heavily*
I'm fine now

In my darkest hour- Megadeth

In my hour of need

ha! no, you're not there...

and though I reached out for you

wouldn't lend a hand.

َ.

Through the darkest hour

grace did not shine on me.

.

It feels so cold, very cold

no one cares for me.

.

Did you ever think I get lonely ?

did you ever think that I needed love ?

did you ever think to stop thinking ?

you're the only one that I'm thinking of...

.

You'll never know how hard I tried

to find my space and satisfy you too.

Things will be better when I'm dead and gone

don't try to understand, knowing you I'm probably wrong.

But, oh, how I lived my life for you!

.

still you'd turn away

now as I die for you,

my flesh still crawls, as I breathe your name

all these years I thought I was wrong

now I know it was you!

.

Raise you head, raise your face your eyes

tell me, who you think you are?

.

I walk, I walk alone

into the promised land.

There's a better place for mebut it's far, far away

.

Everlasting life for me

in a perfect world

but I gotta die first,please god send me on my way !

.

Time has a way of taking time,

Loneliness is not only felt be fools.

Alone I call to ease the pain,

yearning to be held by you.

.

Alone so alone, I'm lost

Consumed by the pain

the pain, the pain, the pain.

.

Won't you hold me again?

And you just laughed, ha! ha! Bitch !

My whole life is work built on the past

but the time has come when all things shall pass

this good thing passed away.

.

In my darkest hour

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!

Suddenly I feel like i'm this galeel adab ass

There's this guy who works in a place called Game Track and this guy is a friend of mine, but I've been ignoring him for about 5 days now because I don't really feel like hanging out with him, and he has been calling me once everyday since and now I really feel bad for ignoring him, and I want to give him a good excuse but I hate lying to him :S
I think I'll tell him that my grandfather(who passed min zaman) died 4 days ago...
Should I say it wala la2?!

My Biggest Mistake

Regret has become some kind of habit of mine, and is something I really hate about myself.
I always do something big or small, good or bad it doesn't matter I always regret doing it and I think I made a really bad decision and I've been beating myself about it.
I stayed in Jeddah instead of going to highschool in Malaysia, I think I would've been a stronger and better person.
I might be better in English and I would always count on myself...
I'm hoping, I'm praying that I have made the right decision.

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School started a few days ago and it's not too bad, 1st year of highschool seems ok
I hope I get good grades :/

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Hebz, why no more posts???

Malaysia truely MY ASS!!

Well, Malaysia isn't the way I expected it to be :(
Everyone said that I'll have fun except one person, and that person was right...
It's either Malaysia is stupid or I go to the wrong places, I can't find the CDs n DVDs I want
FUCK MALAYSIA, I hope it burns... lamman arja3 Jeddah inshalla
And just to make my trip more sucky... my dad and brother are always makin' fun of everything I do, HEY I like going out alone, why the fuck do you care???
I like going out alone without knowing where I'm going and just do whatever the hell I want!!

And right now, I sitting in a lounge in the hotel lobby for the free wireless :P and they have this ragga9a (Egyptian dancer) that is very stupid and everyone is staring at her (even the staff) How do Malaysians like this kind of thing :S:S w msha'3ileen Egyptian music... I want to throw up
w fee Linkin Park fil TV bas ma76oo6 mute :(

Bored as hell, I need someone to talk to :(

UPDATE AFTER A FEW SECONDS!!!
the dancer is sitting next to me and she is yelling at the staff... loooooooool

*takes deep breath*...
I bought new glasses, goin' to Malaysia tomorrow inshalla, gonna miss alot of people, might not blog there but I'll try to, my head really hurts, goin' to Casper & Gambini's for breakfast with friends at 8:30 a.m to say goodbye, I forgot to pack my bag so I'll do it in the morning inshalla, want to buy alot of stuff but I have a really tight budget lil2asaf...
*breathes heavily*